Life, Day by Day

Last Friday, 2 people close to me passed away. One has been sick since the beginning of the year while the other was a family friend and co-volunteer in the Diocesan Lay Formation Center. Both deaths although not surprising were still unexpected...at least not as soon as this. I was in church attending a wedding as a primary sponsor when I got the text message from my Mom regarding Tito Nacing...my feeling upon getting the news was what a good way to die...no fuss, no long agonies...it's typical of him. He has had a few close calls before, so I guess this time was the right time. The other death was not a shock but the news gave me a lump in the throat. I got home from the wedding reception really tired and did not bother to check the messages on my cellphone. I was told that our administrative officer called earlier in the afternoon but left no message. I sat down to watch TV and after a few minutes decided to take a bath...I cleaned up my bag and saw the message..."Patay...

I was in a bookstore today and I saw this book about finding Joy in life and it dawned on me that the passion that I have been wishing for will forever elude me without joy in my life. But how? Joy is such a simple word so why is it not easy to find? My days are often filled with laughter but thinking about this as I type, humor is not quite the same as having joy, is it? I mean, there are so many things everyday that can annoy me but I also see the funny side of it all so that my stress level never quite gets off the ground. Yet, I realize that inspite of having humor and laughter in my life, there seems to be a lack of real joy. The kind of joy that makes one look forward to the day at hand..the kind that makes you want to wake up in the morning...the kind that makes your eyes sparkle and brings a smile to your face...the kind that makes one sing and feel energized. I want to be joyful like that, but where do I start? What is the biggest barrier to my experiencing joy despite any c...

as I was thinking on what to title this post, I remembered the TV series, Arrested Development and I sort of thought that it was apt for this entry since I am talking about having a childlike mind in an adult body. Of course, my mental health status is not anywhere near the characters in this series but I do have my "moments" ;) For instance, My 16 year old son says that I am totally so different from his friends' moms, although when the occasion calls for it, I do get into my mommy mode. Most of the time though, he thinks I'm cool! I never thought about it before but I think the reason why aside from being his mom, I'm also his friend is because I remember how it was to be young...

I finally found what my problem is...the child in me is begging to come out but the adult me is trying hard to be sensible, rational and mature...and it's making me listless. I found this website in a round-about-way...through another website called 43 Things and as I was browsing through all the lists, I saw this : Do Kim and Jason's Cure Adultitis 40-day challenge Plan. So off I went to look at their website: kimandjason.com (see my links) and lo and behold...kindred spirits! I took their test and I am actually adultitis-free...so it must be because I'm trying so hard to be an adult that my energy level is getting zapped by all these trying. Am I making sense here? but, I don't have to make a lot of sense, do I...after all I am more childlike that adult :)

I need to find time...and to use it to re-energize...to find my passion for living which somehow I seem to have misplaced somewhere. There always seems to be something going on in my life everyday but it all seems meaningless. I'm not unhappy...on the contrary, my days basically have a lot of laughter. But being busy doing the things I should do is not the same as doing the things I want to do. So what is it? What exactly is missing? Inspiration? Passion? Purpose? I guess basically I want to wake up every morning feeling excited about getting out of bed and doing something to make a difference in people's lives including mine. I want to discover what makes my heart sing...

Now-a-days nothing excites me except perhaps mall sales and shopping...but then I would need a lot of money for that, wouldn't I? I think I need a boost... exactly what kind? ...I'm not sure but I know it should be something to perk me up. Like yesterday for example, there were a lot of activities this Sunday but I had no energy or much interest for it. I just slept the whole afternoon instead of going to the gym where Ramie was having a taekwondo tournament. Is this another burn-out...duh...

The past week has really been weird...I think these series of unfortunate happenings for the past few days is a message of sorts...it's like it's telling me to pay more attention to what is important and essential in life. Okay, so it got my attention...I'm listening. And you know what, if these negative forces think that by making these events happen they can make me lose faith...they're so wrong...nothing, and I mean NOTHING could make me lose my faith and fortitude. I admit that when things go well for me and all my days seem to fall into place, my relationship with God suffers and I am so guilty of neglect...I know that God misses me and is now once again knocking on the door of my heart. I say sorry all the time to Him and again and again He forgives me. I guess, I have no excuse really, except for the reality of my humanity, and my human weaknesses. I will stop making promises that I could never keep anyway, and this time I can only promise to try hard to be fa...